im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
