The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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