i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
