Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
