at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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