holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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