I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
sarcasm needs its own font
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i've created a new STD.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
