Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
