Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize