Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
