you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
