Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
sex in a hospital.. check
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
