respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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