Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
