k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
