So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
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we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
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So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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