I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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