I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
