We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
