I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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