Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
