Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
