I'm going to jail i love you
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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