Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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