dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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