i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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