I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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