so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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