you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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