I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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