So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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