1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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