I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
