She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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