Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
