Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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