i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
