I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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