who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
