I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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