so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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