it wasn't lemon gatorade
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
