Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
