im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
