At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
