Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
