Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
