So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The feeling are messing with the penis
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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