She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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