somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just invented taco cereal.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
