for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
