I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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