This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
