have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
