I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
