Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
