I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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