anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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