I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
