Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
