Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
