so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
