Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
